13 years and so much has changed

It is 6:15 on new years eve 2012.  As I write this my soundtrack is the faint hum of the newly assembled air hockey game my five year old son got for Christmas mixed with the whir of the dishwasher and the giggles of my children as they "defeat" their father.  In typical new years fashion, I'm reflecting on my life and am reminded of my celebrations 13 years ago . 13 years ago I had yet to meet my husband. I was a single 19 year old with a battle going on inside myself.  I have always had the desire to walk with the Lord, but at times my love of things of this world won out.  This particular year the world won. That night 13 years ago was spent at some party with my friends, and I believe the party didn't even start till 11 or so.  Nothing terribly eventful happened that night, except for the sovereignty and grace of my Lord and savior.  Every time we decide to choose to live our lives separate from our maker we put our selves in jeopardy.  I don't mean physical harm, although that could happen.
Galatians 1:16-18 says, "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do.  But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law."  At that time in my life I was torn between the desires of the flesh and the desires of the Spirit.  I don't think I had an ah ha moment right then, but the people he put in my life and the path I was guided on by the will of my Lord has brought me to this moment. This moment of my two precious children and their father cuddle on the couch watching some holiday movie as they snack on candies and cookies.  As I reflect on this past year and all the years past, I am grateful for God's grace and continual guidance in my life.
           "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God."  Ephesians 2:8

You say it"s your birthday...

Today is my birthday.  Today is mother's day.  Today is the 9th anniversary of my son's funeral.  The first 2 events only happen together ever so often, but 1 and 3 are always on the same day. I am a middle child, with a sister on either side of me, so my birthday was the one day when I truly felt like I could be completely selfish.  Birthdays were a big deal in our house.  I remember as a child planning all the details of the requests I was going to make for my birthday.  I remember my parents usually agreeing to most of them with in reason of course.  This love of birthdays did not end as a child, I think that everyone's birthdays are big deals and should be celebrated with enthusiasm and fancy cakes!  Something interesting happened to my birthday 9 years ago. When my precious son Ezekiel came into this world and left this world, we were faced with the decision of when to have the funeral.  He died on May 10th, which was a Saturday.  Tuesday the 13th seemed like the best day for the funeral.  Many people told me that we don't need to have his funeral on my birthday.  My thoughts were that the funeral will be the day before, or the day after my birthday then, what is the difference.  It has taken me 9 years to really process this all, but there is something so perfect about the timing in all of it!  I love that I get to celebrate my birthday and reflect on the loss of my first born all on the same day.  Typically on your birthday, you are surrounded by friends and family, so what better way to remember my son as well.  Today was a great day!  I also love that it was mother's day too.  Ezekiel died the day before mother's day.  Again, perfect.  I am no longer sadden by the loss, but grateful for the grace of God and his sovereignty in my life.  I definitely morn the loss of my son, but God has really taken it all and made it so beautiful.  Through this journey of loss and healing, I have made some great friends.  Some of them are now considered family!  I have been a part of different events, ministries and such things that would have never happened if it weren't for my loss.  I have been truly blessed by this life.  I have two beautiful children that make my days and break my days.  They make me laugh, cry and sometimes rock in the corner.  I am so honored to be their mother, they are my joy!  I have been given 32 years, and for that I am grateful.  Some years have been a bit sketchy, but through it all I have had one constant, my Savior.  He is my rock and my shelter, my healer and shepherd.  I thank my Lord for this life, these years, and the events that have filled them.  I also need to thank my husband who has put up with me for 12 birthdays.  Some years have been better than others, but I think I can safely say, that this year may be one of the best!  Good food, good friends, my husband and my kids!

It was six years ago today

For those of you who know me well, you are probably thinking that I have my numbers wrong.  Today is my son's 5th birthday, but I am not exactly referring to that significant event.  I need to rewind a little further back to my life between May 2003- January 2006.  During that time period in our lives, we experienced the loss of our first born son, and then the continue heart ache every month when I realized I wasn't pregnant.  During that time, I was "walking" with the Lord, "living my life for Him" and for the most point, thought I was fine.  The reality of it is that I was a discontent mess of a woman who was unhappy a lot and pretty darn angry at God.  I was really good at putting on a good face, or being quick to quote scripture and lecture others about God's will.  I was quick to say how the loss of our son was hard, but God is in control.  The truth is that I had God's will in my life once, I didn't like it, and that I never wanted it again! I wanted a baby right away! I wanted to fill the void in my life! I wanted to move away from it all, I wanted to run away! I wanted to yell at everyone whoever told me that we would have children all in God's time!  After trying for a baby on our own for a few years, and then going through 6 months of fertility treatments, we were pretty disappointing with life in general.  I found myself getting involved and then at a later date working at the LifeCare Center of TRF.  It was a good way for me to share Ezekiel's story and feel like I was helping in some way.  The problem with that, is that I was a women desperate for a child watching other women not want their children.  It all came to a head on a day in January of 2006.  I just got off the phone with a client who despite my counsel was still making a choice to abort her baby.  A friend of mine came in to the center for something, and I just lost it.  I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop.  I later realized that I was having a panic attack, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  After a Dr. visit, Jason and I decided that I needed to get away from it all for a bit.  I drove down to the Minnetonka to my sister's home and stayed there for a few days.  I did some shopping and bought a couple pairs of shoes (dr. recommended)!  While I was away, I made decisions for my life.  First was leaving the LifeCare Center.  Second, is that I had to quite living my life like I was going to get pregnant tomorrow.  Third was that I had to surrender my life and my will to my Lord and Savior.  I like to keep journals.  My journal entry on January 24th 2006 read this "Today I discovered some things.  I need to make some changes.  In order to give up my control and be content in not having a baby; I need to stop living my life like I am waiting for something.  Every decision I make, I always take into consideration how this will affect having a baby.  I'm 25 years old.  I have time on my side.  I need to live life.  I don't want to have any regrets.  God I'm done!! It's your turn to take control!"  My beautiful son Malakai Richard was born one year to the date!  It was like God said "finally"!  I was holding on to my control because I honestly didn't trust him, but all I needed to do was let go.  The one thing that was so interesting, is that every time I didn't get pregnant, there was a different reason every month.  I had the doctor stumped.  He finally said to me that he thought that it was a heart issue and not a physical thing.  I guess he saw how unhappy I truly was, and that happiness was not going to get fulfilled by a baby.  I needed to fill that void by God first, then everything else would fall into place!  So on January 26th 2006  I surrender myself to God. I found a new relationship with him, an intimate relationship that filled my void and emptiness!! There is a song that really spoke to me at that time in my life.  The lyrics are "all of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me with your love, and all I have in you is more than enough"!
So Happy Birthday Malakai!! You light up my world with your gorgeous green eyes and sensitive heart!  You are a blessing to me always!!

8 years ago today

It was 8 years ago today that I held my first born son for the first time. For most new moms that is a time of complete joy, for me it was a little different.  The anticipation for this little life was huge, but once he was born I knew I would have to let go of him soon.  As long as he was inside of me, I had him, I could talk to him and feel him kick.  Inside of me he was perfect and alive, outside of me he was dying.  We didn't know how long he would live.  According to other anencephalic cases, the average life expectancy is 3-5 hours.  That is only if he is alive after the traumatic journey through the birth canal.  Ezekiel Jesse was born on May 9th at 9:15 pm and he was perfect.  Not perfect in the sense that he would live a full and "normal" life and die long after his parents.  Perfect in the sense that he was created in the image of his maker, set on this earth to live his life in the way God created him to do so.  His life was only 18 hours long, but the things he accomplished in that time was a miracle.  I'm not talking about the normal things a baby does, yes he did do some of those things.  He cried, he nursed, he had a dirty diaper and charmed everyone in the room.  The things unseen are the miracles.  He changed hearts, healed relationships and touched peoples lives all over the world, and continues to do so daily by the legacy he left in his short little life.  He definitely changed my life!  Before I became pregnant I was a christian, going to church, trying to live my life for Christ; but after his diagnosis, I had to rely on our Lord in a much different way.  I had to submit my wants and desires to His will and plan for my life.  At that point I didn't like His will or plan, but the only thing I could do was blindly follow Him with the assurances He has given us in his word.  Daily I would cry out to Him in song or scripture, looking for some comfort and hope.  Although the comfort wasn't immediate, I knew it would come.  From that point in my life, the Lord was my hope and His grace was sufficient. I got through through those 5 months because God is bigger than all of this.  Sometimes I look back on my pregnancy and I am surprised of how Jason and I got through it, but then I am reminded that it was all the Lord and I was just along for the ride.  When the time came closer to my delivery date it all got a lot tougher.  I definitely hadn't mastered the feelings with the pregnancy, but I had been dealing with them for 5 months, and I knew where my baby was.  I had no idea what the birth experience would be like, what Ezekiel would look like or how long we would have with him.  Scary stuff!!  The time cams for him to be born, and God did not disappoint.  He was born and was shortly surrounded by everyone who loved us and him.  We spent 1-2 hours taking turns holding him, taking pictures, singing to him, bathing him, praying and he was baptized.  We were not sure how long he would live, so all pictures were taking during the first 2 hours.  The night went on and all family started to head out, then Jason and I got some very precious time alone with him.  At about 12:30 am we thought we were going to have to say goodbye.  He had a couple seizures and stopped breathing a few times, but he pulled through.  The next morning the phone calls poured in with questions of his little life.  We were all pleasantly surprised that he was still with us, so the friends and family all came back.  At noon on the 10th he started to fail, his color started to change.  We were all able to hold him and sing him into eternity at 3:15 pm.  I never really understood a person's soul until you actually see one leave.  I held him when he came into this world and I held him when he left. Perfect bitter sweetness!  The next day was mother's day and two days later we buried him on my birthday.  The ultimate birthday gift, knowing that your child will be with you in eternity!  It was all very hard, and it still continues to be, but I have a God who is bigger than all of this!!

Motherhood=Guilt

I was driving this morning to our ECFE class, and I was thinking how once again we are going to walk in late.  All because my 19 month old wanted to wear her winter boots.  It is winter, that would be logical, except for the fact that 5 minutes before the boot fit, she threw a fit because she wanted to wear her black mary-janes(which are not appropriate for NW Minnesota winters).  So once again I am leaving the house 3 minutes after our class has already started and I am fuming!!  I was so concerned as to how we would look strolling into class late yet once again that I became very agitated and was quick to snap at both of my children.  My son, who must have a word limit that he must hit every day, was rambling on about something in the back seat when all of a sudden his words started to sound like fingernails on the chalkboard.  I then proceeded to turn up the tunes for toddlers to drown out the sound of his voice.  At that point I was overcome with this feeling of guilt.  Being a parent automatically makes you feel guilty, but I have this extra thing that makes me feel guilty a lot.  For any of you who struggled with infertility or have had a child die as an infant can relate, I have had both situations.  After our first son, Ezekiel, was born with a terminal birth defect that took his life after 18 hours, we then struggled for almost 4 years to conceive again.  We prayed for our precious son Malakai for years.  We pleaded with God for him, and finally He gave him to us!!  That is when the guilt started.  He was a very fussy baby who hardly slept and my husband and I were sleep deprived.  There were many times where I would just wish for a break, but then my guilt would me remind me of the nights I spent crying for a baby, and now I have him and I don't even act like I want him.  That is how I feel a lot with Annabelle right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love that little girl so much and would do anything for her, but she is really testing me in every aspect of my life.  I guess the thing I need to do is remind myself that I am not a bad parent because I need a break once and awhile, nor am I bad parent for being human and having ill feelings towards my children.  The important thing is that I love them and I try to provide for them the things they need.  The best thing is that God's grace is enough, even for crabby mom like me!!

Anticipation is harder than the execution!!

There has been this thing that I have been avoiding for a week or so.  I don't know what kind of things I thought would happen if I did it, but I had convinced myself that it was easier to ignore than do...  I took the computer away from my 4 year old!  After writing that statement, I am shocked at how ridiculous that sounds!  I was 19 years old when my parents got a computer, my aunt & uncle don't have one and neither do any of our grandparents, yet I was avoiding shutting the stupid thing off and putting it away from my 4 YEAR OLD!!!!  It's not like he even knows how to do much on it, but he does know how to get himself a netflix movie, which has become his TV time for the day. Unfortunately his TV time has taken over our day.  For those of you who know me well, know that I have a relationship with my coffee in the morning.  When Malakai watches the computer, I get to have an extra long coffee time, which is so incredibly selfish.  I have justified it in the past by saying "my kids are better off if I get my coffee time.  No idiot, your kids are better off if you get down on the floor and play with them.  So this morning at 7:56, 8 minutes after daddy left, Malakai comes to me and says "I wanna watch a movie."  I look at him, I look at my coffee and I say "no"!  He then starts to pull out the big elephant tears and fake cry, and I do not give in.  He continues to mope around the house for the next few minutes, but after a bit he is done.  He picks up his car basket, hands me a car, and we play cars for a bit (while I drink my coffee).  Then he and Annabelle do something astonishing... they play together!!  The world did not end, I didn't even play with them that much.  I built them a fort, which has been the highlight of our morning so far!!  It is hard for me to admit how much screen time the kids have had, I want to think that I am not one of those moms.  For the most part I am not, but as of late I have been.  So today has been a good day because I took the computer away, except from me.  How else am I gonna share with you all!!!
Hope your day is as blessed as mine has been!!!

Proverbs 10:29

"The way of the Lord is a stronghold to the upright." Proverbs 10:29
In my bible study the other night, this questioned was asked: What are some of the "ways" of the Lord that have produced good results in your life?  After thinking on that for awhile I have come to the conclusion that my life is a good result of the "ways" of the Lord.  When Jason and I met and got married, we were in love for sure, but after a few months of marriage I started to question our compatibility.  I know that many if not all married people have those same doubts, but it was very obvious that Jason and I had not much in common.  Aside from our faith and our marriage, it was looking pretty bleak!  We used to talk about our dream vacations, his included a golf course and usually something within the USA, usually a neighboring state.  Mine always included something with culture, history, theatre and great food(preferably not a chain restaurant)!  I was often frustrated with his lack of desire for more culture, and he, I'm sure, was frustrated with my lack of desire to learn how to golf.  At one point I think we actually talked about me going to NYC with my mom and sister, and him find a fellow golfer and go on a golfing extravaganza!  I look back on those times and I giggle!  I truly felt like we would never get to the point in our marriage that we would enjoy doing anything together, but we are there, and we survived.  There were a few summers spent with me in the theatre on stage and Jason swinging a golf club, and it was perfect!  Now Jason and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary, so we are taking a trip.  Jason has planned the whole thing and there is no golfing planned at all!  He is taking me to South Carolina to an old town full of history and culture.  He has traveled there a lot for work, and knew how much I would enjoy it.  He has every restaurant picked out and not one of them is a chain! I think we may even go to the theatre.  The best thing about it is that not only is Jason planning this all because he knows I will love it, he also has begun to enjoy these things also.  Now if I was planning this trip, I would make sure we would do a little golfing if possible(even though I have yet to swing a club).  Jason and I have committed our lives to serve the Lord in our lives and our marriage, we are daily committing our marriage to Him.  In response to our faithfulness, He is being faithful to us.  Psalm 37:4-5 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."