13 years and so much has changed

It is 6:15 on new years eve 2012.  As I write this my soundtrack is the faint hum of the newly assembled air hockey game my five year old son got for Christmas mixed with the whir of the dishwasher and the giggles of my children as they "defeat" their father.  In typical new years fashion, I'm reflecting on my life and am reminded of my celebrations 13 years ago . 13 years ago I had yet to meet my husband. I was a single 19 year old with a battle going on inside myself.  I have always had the desire to walk with the Lord, but at times my love of things of this world won out.  This particular year the world won. That night 13 years ago was spent at some party with my friends, and I believe the party didn't even start till 11 or so.  Nothing terribly eventful happened that night, except for the sovereignty and grace of my Lord and savior.  Every time we decide to choose to live our lives separate from our maker we put our selves in jeopardy.  I don't mean physical harm, although that could happen.
Galatians 1:16-18 says, "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do.  But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law."  At that time in my life I was torn between the desires of the flesh and the desires of the Spirit.  I don't think I had an ah ha moment right then, but the people he put in my life and the path I was guided on by the will of my Lord has brought me to this moment. This moment of my two precious children and their father cuddle on the couch watching some holiday movie as they snack on candies and cookies.  As I reflect on this past year and all the years past, I am grateful for God's grace and continual guidance in my life.
           "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God."  Ephesians 2:8

You say it"s your birthday...

Today is my birthday.  Today is mother's day.  Today is the 9th anniversary of my son's funeral.  The first 2 events only happen together ever so often, but 1 and 3 are always on the same day. I am a middle child, with a sister on either side of me, so my birthday was the one day when I truly felt like I could be completely selfish.  Birthdays were a big deal in our house.  I remember as a child planning all the details of the requests I was going to make for my birthday.  I remember my parents usually agreeing to most of them with in reason of course.  This love of birthdays did not end as a child, I think that everyone's birthdays are big deals and should be celebrated with enthusiasm and fancy cakes!  Something interesting happened to my birthday 9 years ago. When my precious son Ezekiel came into this world and left this world, we were faced with the decision of when to have the funeral.  He died on May 10th, which was a Saturday.  Tuesday the 13th seemed like the best day for the funeral.  Many people told me that we don't need to have his funeral on my birthday.  My thoughts were that the funeral will be the day before, or the day after my birthday then, what is the difference.  It has taken me 9 years to really process this all, but there is something so perfect about the timing in all of it!  I love that I get to celebrate my birthday and reflect on the loss of my first born all on the same day.  Typically on your birthday, you are surrounded by friends and family, so what better way to remember my son as well.  Today was a great day!  I also love that it was mother's day too.  Ezekiel died the day before mother's day.  Again, perfect.  I am no longer sadden by the loss, but grateful for the grace of God and his sovereignty in my life.  I definitely morn the loss of my son, but God has really taken it all and made it so beautiful.  Through this journey of loss and healing, I have made some great friends.  Some of them are now considered family!  I have been a part of different events, ministries and such things that would have never happened if it weren't for my loss.  I have been truly blessed by this life.  I have two beautiful children that make my days and break my days.  They make me laugh, cry and sometimes rock in the corner.  I am so honored to be their mother, they are my joy!  I have been given 32 years, and for that I am grateful.  Some years have been a bit sketchy, but through it all I have had one constant, my Savior.  He is my rock and my shelter, my healer and shepherd.  I thank my Lord for this life, these years, and the events that have filled them.  I also need to thank my husband who has put up with me for 12 birthdays.  Some years have been better than others, but I think I can safely say, that this year may be one of the best!  Good food, good friends, my husband and my kids!

It was six years ago today

For those of you who know me well, you are probably thinking that I have my numbers wrong.  Today is my son's 5th birthday, but I am not exactly referring to that significant event.  I need to rewind a little further back to my life between May 2003- January 2006.  During that time period in our lives, we experienced the loss of our first born son, and then the continue heart ache every month when I realized I wasn't pregnant.  During that time, I was "walking" with the Lord, "living my life for Him" and for the most point, thought I was fine.  The reality of it is that I was a discontent mess of a woman who was unhappy a lot and pretty darn angry at God.  I was really good at putting on a good face, or being quick to quote scripture and lecture others about God's will.  I was quick to say how the loss of our son was hard, but God is in control.  The truth is that I had God's will in my life once, I didn't like it, and that I never wanted it again! I wanted a baby right away! I wanted to fill the void in my life! I wanted to move away from it all, I wanted to run away! I wanted to yell at everyone whoever told me that we would have children all in God's time!  After trying for a baby on our own for a few years, and then going through 6 months of fertility treatments, we were pretty disappointing with life in general.  I found myself getting involved and then at a later date working at the LifeCare Center of TRF.  It was a good way for me to share Ezekiel's story and feel like I was helping in some way.  The problem with that, is that I was a women desperate for a child watching other women not want their children.  It all came to a head on a day in January of 2006.  I just got off the phone with a client who despite my counsel was still making a choice to abort her baby.  A friend of mine came in to the center for something, and I just lost it.  I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop.  I later realized that I was having a panic attack, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  After a Dr. visit, Jason and I decided that I needed to get away from it all for a bit.  I drove down to the Minnetonka to my sister's home and stayed there for a few days.  I did some shopping and bought a couple pairs of shoes (dr. recommended)!  While I was away, I made decisions for my life.  First was leaving the LifeCare Center.  Second, is that I had to quite living my life like I was going to get pregnant tomorrow.  Third was that I had to surrender my life and my will to my Lord and Savior.  I like to keep journals.  My journal entry on January 24th 2006 read this "Today I discovered some things.  I need to make some changes.  In order to give up my control and be content in not having a baby; I need to stop living my life like I am waiting for something.  Every decision I make, I always take into consideration how this will affect having a baby.  I'm 25 years old.  I have time on my side.  I need to live life.  I don't want to have any regrets.  God I'm done!! It's your turn to take control!"  My beautiful son Malakai Richard was born one year to the date!  It was like God said "finally"!  I was holding on to my control because I honestly didn't trust him, but all I needed to do was let go.  The one thing that was so interesting, is that every time I didn't get pregnant, there was a different reason every month.  I had the doctor stumped.  He finally said to me that he thought that it was a heart issue and not a physical thing.  I guess he saw how unhappy I truly was, and that happiness was not going to get fulfilled by a baby.  I needed to fill that void by God first, then everything else would fall into place!  So on January 26th 2006  I surrender myself to God. I found a new relationship with him, an intimate relationship that filled my void and emptiness!! There is a song that really spoke to me at that time in my life.  The lyrics are "all of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me with your love, and all I have in you is more than enough"!
So Happy Birthday Malakai!! You light up my world with your gorgeous green eyes and sensitive heart!  You are a blessing to me always!!