For those of you who know me well, you are probably thinking that I have my numbers wrong. Today is my son's 5th birthday, but I am not exactly referring to that significant event. I need to rewind a little further back to my life between May 2003- January 2006. During that time period in our lives, we experienced the loss of our first born son, and then the continue heart ache every month when I realized I wasn't pregnant. During that time, I was "walking" with the Lord, "living my life for Him" and for the most point, thought I was fine. The reality of it is that I was a discontent mess of a woman who was unhappy a lot and pretty darn angry at God. I was really good at putting on a good face, or being quick to quote scripture and lecture others about God's will. I was quick to say how the loss of our son was hard, but God is in control. The truth is that I had God's will in my life once, I didn't like it, and that I never wanted it again! I wanted a baby right away! I wanted to fill the void in my life! I wanted to move away from it all, I wanted to run away! I wanted to yell at everyone whoever told me that we would have children all in God's time! After trying for a baby on our own for a few years, and then going through 6 months of fertility treatments, we were pretty disappointing with life in general. I found myself getting involved and then at a later date working at the LifeCare Center of TRF. It was a good way for me to share Ezekiel's story and feel like I was helping in some way. The problem with that, is that I was a women desperate for a child watching other women not want their children. It all came to a head on a day in January of 2006. I just got off the phone with a client who despite my counsel was still making a choice to abort her baby. A friend of mine came in to the center for something, and I just lost it. I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop. I later realized that I was having a panic attack, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. After a Dr. visit, Jason and I decided that I needed to get away from it all for a bit. I drove down to the Minnetonka to my sister's home and stayed there for a few days. I did some shopping and bought a couple pairs of shoes (dr. recommended)! While I was away, I made decisions for my life. First was leaving the LifeCare Center. Second, is that I had to quite living my life like I was going to get pregnant tomorrow. Third was that I had to surrender my life and my will to my Lord and Savior. I like to keep journals. My journal entry on January 24th 2006 read this "Today I discovered some things. I need to make some changes. In order to give up my control and be content in not having a baby; I need to stop living my life like I am waiting for something. Every decision I make, I always take into consideration how this will affect having a baby. I'm 25 years old. I have time on my side. I need to live life. I don't want to have any regrets. God I'm done!! It's your turn to take control!" My beautiful son Malakai Richard was born one year to the date! It was like God said "finally"! I was holding on to my control because I honestly didn't trust him, but all I needed to do was let go. The one thing that was so interesting, is that every time I didn't get pregnant, there was a different reason every month. I had the doctor stumped. He finally said to me that he thought that it was a heart issue and not a physical thing. I guess he saw how unhappy I truly was, and that happiness was not going to get fulfilled by a baby. I needed to fill that void by God first, then everything else would fall into place! So on January 26th 2006 I surrender myself to God. I found a new relationship with him, an intimate relationship that filled my void and emptiness!! There is a song that really spoke to me at that time in my life. The lyrics are "all of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me with your love, and all I have in you is more than enough"!
So Happy Birthday Malakai!! You light up my world with your gorgeous green eyes and sensitive heart! You are a blessing to me always!!
