Motherhood=Guilt

I was driving this morning to our ECFE class, and I was thinking how once again we are going to walk in late.  All because my 19 month old wanted to wear her winter boots.  It is winter, that would be logical, except for the fact that 5 minutes before the boot fit, she threw a fit because she wanted to wear her black mary-janes(which are not appropriate for NW Minnesota winters).  So once again I am leaving the house 3 minutes after our class has already started and I am fuming!!  I was so concerned as to how we would look strolling into class late yet once again that I became very agitated and was quick to snap at both of my children.  My son, who must have a word limit that he must hit every day, was rambling on about something in the back seat when all of a sudden his words started to sound like fingernails on the chalkboard.  I then proceeded to turn up the tunes for toddlers to drown out the sound of his voice.  At that point I was overcome with this feeling of guilt.  Being a parent automatically makes you feel guilty, but I have this extra thing that makes me feel guilty a lot.  For any of you who struggled with infertility or have had a child die as an infant can relate, I have had both situations.  After our first son, Ezekiel, was born with a terminal birth defect that took his life after 18 hours, we then struggled for almost 4 years to conceive again.  We prayed for our precious son Malakai for years.  We pleaded with God for him, and finally He gave him to us!!  That is when the guilt started.  He was a very fussy baby who hardly slept and my husband and I were sleep deprived.  There were many times where I would just wish for a break, but then my guilt would me remind me of the nights I spent crying for a baby, and now I have him and I don't even act like I want him.  That is how I feel a lot with Annabelle right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love that little girl so much and would do anything for her, but she is really testing me in every aspect of my life.  I guess the thing I need to do is remind myself that I am not a bad parent because I need a break once and awhile, nor am I bad parent for being human and having ill feelings towards my children.  The important thing is that I love them and I try to provide for them the things they need.  The best thing is that God's grace is enough, even for crabby mom like me!!

Anticipation is harder than the execution!!

There has been this thing that I have been avoiding for a week or so.  I don't know what kind of things I thought would happen if I did it, but I had convinced myself that it was easier to ignore than do...  I took the computer away from my 4 year old!  After writing that statement, I am shocked at how ridiculous that sounds!  I was 19 years old when my parents got a computer, my aunt & uncle don't have one and neither do any of our grandparents, yet I was avoiding shutting the stupid thing off and putting it away from my 4 YEAR OLD!!!!  It's not like he even knows how to do much on it, but he does know how to get himself a netflix movie, which has become his TV time for the day. Unfortunately his TV time has taken over our day.  For those of you who know me well, know that I have a relationship with my coffee in the morning.  When Malakai watches the computer, I get to have an extra long coffee time, which is so incredibly selfish.  I have justified it in the past by saying "my kids are better off if I get my coffee time.  No idiot, your kids are better off if you get down on the floor and play with them.  So this morning at 7:56, 8 minutes after daddy left, Malakai comes to me and says "I wanna watch a movie."  I look at him, I look at my coffee and I say "no"!  He then starts to pull out the big elephant tears and fake cry, and I do not give in.  He continues to mope around the house for the next few minutes, but after a bit he is done.  He picks up his car basket, hands me a car, and we play cars for a bit (while I drink my coffee).  Then he and Annabelle do something astonishing... they play together!!  The world did not end, I didn't even play with them that much.  I built them a fort, which has been the highlight of our morning so far!!  It is hard for me to admit how much screen time the kids have had, I want to think that I am not one of those moms.  For the most part I am not, but as of late I have been.  So today has been a good day because I took the computer away, except from me.  How else am I gonna share with you all!!!
Hope your day is as blessed as mine has been!!!