Motherhood=Guilt

I was driving this morning to our ECFE class, and I was thinking how once again we are going to walk in late.  All because my 19 month old wanted to wear her winter boots.  It is winter, that would be logical, except for the fact that 5 minutes before the boot fit, she threw a fit because she wanted to wear her black mary-janes(which are not appropriate for NW Minnesota winters).  So once again I am leaving the house 3 minutes after our class has already started and I am fuming!!  I was so concerned as to how we would look strolling into class late yet once again that I became very agitated and was quick to snap at both of my children.  My son, who must have a word limit that he must hit every day, was rambling on about something in the back seat when all of a sudden his words started to sound like fingernails on the chalkboard.  I then proceeded to turn up the tunes for toddlers to drown out the sound of his voice.  At that point I was overcome with this feeling of guilt.  Being a parent automatically makes you feel guilty, but I have this extra thing that makes me feel guilty a lot.  For any of you who struggled with infertility or have had a child die as an infant can relate, I have had both situations.  After our first son, Ezekiel, was born with a terminal birth defect that took his life after 18 hours, we then struggled for almost 4 years to conceive again.  We prayed for our precious son Malakai for years.  We pleaded with God for him, and finally He gave him to us!!  That is when the guilt started.  He was a very fussy baby who hardly slept and my husband and I were sleep deprived.  There were many times where I would just wish for a break, but then my guilt would me remind me of the nights I spent crying for a baby, and now I have him and I don't even act like I want him.  That is how I feel a lot with Annabelle right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love that little girl so much and would do anything for her, but she is really testing me in every aspect of my life.  I guess the thing I need to do is remind myself that I am not a bad parent because I need a break once and awhile, nor am I bad parent for being human and having ill feelings towards my children.  The important thing is that I love them and I try to provide for them the things they need.  The best thing is that God's grace is enough, even for crabby mom like me!!