8 years ago today

It was 8 years ago today that I held my first born son for the first time. For most new moms that is a time of complete joy, for me it was a little different.  The anticipation for this little life was huge, but once he was born I knew I would have to let go of him soon.  As long as he was inside of me, I had him, I could talk to him and feel him kick.  Inside of me he was perfect and alive, outside of me he was dying.  We didn't know how long he would live.  According to other anencephalic cases, the average life expectancy is 3-5 hours.  That is only if he is alive after the traumatic journey through the birth canal.  Ezekiel Jesse was born on May 9th at 9:15 pm and he was perfect.  Not perfect in the sense that he would live a full and "normal" life and die long after his parents.  Perfect in the sense that he was created in the image of his maker, set on this earth to live his life in the way God created him to do so.  His life was only 18 hours long, but the things he accomplished in that time was a miracle.  I'm not talking about the normal things a baby does, yes he did do some of those things.  He cried, he nursed, he had a dirty diaper and charmed everyone in the room.  The things unseen are the miracles.  He changed hearts, healed relationships and touched peoples lives all over the world, and continues to do so daily by the legacy he left in his short little life.  He definitely changed my life!  Before I became pregnant I was a christian, going to church, trying to live my life for Christ; but after his diagnosis, I had to rely on our Lord in a much different way.  I had to submit my wants and desires to His will and plan for my life.  At that point I didn't like His will or plan, but the only thing I could do was blindly follow Him with the assurances He has given us in his word.  Daily I would cry out to Him in song or scripture, looking for some comfort and hope.  Although the comfort wasn't immediate, I knew it would come.  From that point in my life, the Lord was my hope and His grace was sufficient. I got through through those 5 months because God is bigger than all of this.  Sometimes I look back on my pregnancy and I am surprised of how Jason and I got through it, but then I am reminded that it was all the Lord and I was just along for the ride.  When the time came closer to my delivery date it all got a lot tougher.  I definitely hadn't mastered the feelings with the pregnancy, but I had been dealing with them for 5 months, and I knew where my baby was.  I had no idea what the birth experience would be like, what Ezekiel would look like or how long we would have with him.  Scary stuff!!  The time cams for him to be born, and God did not disappoint.  He was born and was shortly surrounded by everyone who loved us and him.  We spent 1-2 hours taking turns holding him, taking pictures, singing to him, bathing him, praying and he was baptized.  We were not sure how long he would live, so all pictures were taking during the first 2 hours.  The night went on and all family started to head out, then Jason and I got some very precious time alone with him.  At about 12:30 am we thought we were going to have to say goodbye.  He had a couple seizures and stopped breathing a few times, but he pulled through.  The next morning the phone calls poured in with questions of his little life.  We were all pleasantly surprised that he was still with us, so the friends and family all came back.  At noon on the 10th he started to fail, his color started to change.  We were all able to hold him and sing him into eternity at 3:15 pm.  I never really understood a person's soul until you actually see one leave.  I held him when he came into this world and I held him when he left. Perfect bitter sweetness!  The next day was mother's day and two days later we buried him on my birthday.  The ultimate birthday gift, knowing that your child will be with you in eternity!  It was all very hard, and it still continues to be, but I have a God who is bigger than all of this!!

Motherhood=Guilt

I was driving this morning to our ECFE class, and I was thinking how once again we are going to walk in late.  All because my 19 month old wanted to wear her winter boots.  It is winter, that would be logical, except for the fact that 5 minutes before the boot fit, she threw a fit because she wanted to wear her black mary-janes(which are not appropriate for NW Minnesota winters).  So once again I am leaving the house 3 minutes after our class has already started and I am fuming!!  I was so concerned as to how we would look strolling into class late yet once again that I became very agitated and was quick to snap at both of my children.  My son, who must have a word limit that he must hit every day, was rambling on about something in the back seat when all of a sudden his words started to sound like fingernails on the chalkboard.  I then proceeded to turn up the tunes for toddlers to drown out the sound of his voice.  At that point I was overcome with this feeling of guilt.  Being a parent automatically makes you feel guilty, but I have this extra thing that makes me feel guilty a lot.  For any of you who struggled with infertility or have had a child die as an infant can relate, I have had both situations.  After our first son, Ezekiel, was born with a terminal birth defect that took his life after 18 hours, we then struggled for almost 4 years to conceive again.  We prayed for our precious son Malakai for years.  We pleaded with God for him, and finally He gave him to us!!  That is when the guilt started.  He was a very fussy baby who hardly slept and my husband and I were sleep deprived.  There were many times where I would just wish for a break, but then my guilt would me remind me of the nights I spent crying for a baby, and now I have him and I don't even act like I want him.  That is how I feel a lot with Annabelle right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love that little girl so much and would do anything for her, but she is really testing me in every aspect of my life.  I guess the thing I need to do is remind myself that I am not a bad parent because I need a break once and awhile, nor am I bad parent for being human and having ill feelings towards my children.  The important thing is that I love them and I try to provide for them the things they need.  The best thing is that God's grace is enough, even for crabby mom like me!!

Anticipation is harder than the execution!!

There has been this thing that I have been avoiding for a week or so.  I don't know what kind of things I thought would happen if I did it, but I had convinced myself that it was easier to ignore than do...  I took the computer away from my 4 year old!  After writing that statement, I am shocked at how ridiculous that sounds!  I was 19 years old when my parents got a computer, my aunt & uncle don't have one and neither do any of our grandparents, yet I was avoiding shutting the stupid thing off and putting it away from my 4 YEAR OLD!!!!  It's not like he even knows how to do much on it, but he does know how to get himself a netflix movie, which has become his TV time for the day. Unfortunately his TV time has taken over our day.  For those of you who know me well, know that I have a relationship with my coffee in the morning.  When Malakai watches the computer, I get to have an extra long coffee time, which is so incredibly selfish.  I have justified it in the past by saying "my kids are better off if I get my coffee time.  No idiot, your kids are better off if you get down on the floor and play with them.  So this morning at 7:56, 8 minutes after daddy left, Malakai comes to me and says "I wanna watch a movie."  I look at him, I look at my coffee and I say "no"!  He then starts to pull out the big elephant tears and fake cry, and I do not give in.  He continues to mope around the house for the next few minutes, but after a bit he is done.  He picks up his car basket, hands me a car, and we play cars for a bit (while I drink my coffee).  Then he and Annabelle do something astonishing... they play together!!  The world did not end, I didn't even play with them that much.  I built them a fort, which has been the highlight of our morning so far!!  It is hard for me to admit how much screen time the kids have had, I want to think that I am not one of those moms.  For the most part I am not, but as of late I have been.  So today has been a good day because I took the computer away, except from me.  How else am I gonna share with you all!!!
Hope your day is as blessed as mine has been!!!

Proverbs 10:29

"The way of the Lord is a stronghold to the upright." Proverbs 10:29
In my bible study the other night, this questioned was asked: What are some of the "ways" of the Lord that have produced good results in your life?  After thinking on that for awhile I have come to the conclusion that my life is a good result of the "ways" of the Lord.  When Jason and I met and got married, we were in love for sure, but after a few months of marriage I started to question our compatibility.  I know that many if not all married people have those same doubts, but it was very obvious that Jason and I had not much in common.  Aside from our faith and our marriage, it was looking pretty bleak!  We used to talk about our dream vacations, his included a golf course and usually something within the USA, usually a neighboring state.  Mine always included something with culture, history, theatre and great food(preferably not a chain restaurant)!  I was often frustrated with his lack of desire for more culture, and he, I'm sure, was frustrated with my lack of desire to learn how to golf.  At one point I think we actually talked about me going to NYC with my mom and sister, and him find a fellow golfer and go on a golfing extravaganza!  I look back on those times and I giggle!  I truly felt like we would never get to the point in our marriage that we would enjoy doing anything together, but we are there, and we survived.  There were a few summers spent with me in the theatre on stage and Jason swinging a golf club, and it was perfect!  Now Jason and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary, so we are taking a trip.  Jason has planned the whole thing and there is no golfing planned at all!  He is taking me to South Carolina to an old town full of history and culture.  He has traveled there a lot for work, and knew how much I would enjoy it.  He has every restaurant picked out and not one of them is a chain! I think we may even go to the theatre.  The best thing about it is that not only is Jason planning this all because he knows I will love it, he also has begun to enjoy these things also.  Now if I was planning this trip, I would make sure we would do a little golfing if possible(even though I have yet to swing a club).  Jason and I have committed our lives to serve the Lord in our lives and our marriage, we are daily committing our marriage to Him.  In response to our faithfulness, He is being faithful to us.  Psalm 37:4-5 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Need I remind you?

There is an episode of the TV show Friends where Rachel believes herself to be pregnant.  She has already had one positive pregnancy test, but when Phoebe and Monica find out, they have her take another one.  Phoebe reads the test results for her and continues to tell her that she is not pregnant.  She then cries, even though she really didn't want to be pregnant in the first place.  Of course Phoebe was just testing her and then continues to say, "well now you know how you really feel!"  Well I start with that because I had a little bit of that scenario happen to me last week.  Jason and I have decided that 2 is it for us biologically, for many different reasons.  I have even recently said to my pregnant sister, "I am so happy you are pregnant and not me."  I genuinely feel that way, but once and awhile I get a feeling.  So last Friday I started to count days and started to get a bit panicked, but it hadn't been too long so I wasn't completely worried.  All I had to do was wait one day and I got my answer, but for a woman it only takes one day to come to terms with the fact that you may have another baby, and then you have your nursery colors picked out and names decided on.  My pregnancies are rough and the bed rest with the last one didn't help and of course there is that terminal disorder that our first child died from.  There is a list as to why we have made this decision, but of course I am a mother, I am allowed to have those moments.  That is why my husband is there to say to me, "need I remind you..."  So needless to say, I am okay with this, and we may adopt someday.  I also need to remind myself that my children sleep through the night, they feed themselves, 1 of 2 is potty trained and they can talk!!  I guess I need to start cherishing the little things that they do know so 10 years down the road I am not wishing they were toddlers again. God has truly blessed us with a wonderful family with two very expressive children!!

A day in the life

"A day in the life" is a famous song by a group you may have all heard of.  They are my favorite band for many different reasons, this song being one of them.  If you know me well you know I am talking about the Beatles.  This song is one of there more popular ones, not to the general public, but to the true fans.  I am one of them, therefore it is a favorite.  The thing that makes this song so popular is actually quite odd.  It is actually 2 songs in one.  One part is a song written by John, and the other Paul.  They are two completely different beats and styles.  Their producer decided that alone the songs were incomplete, but together they made a masterpiece.  The other thing that makes this song so unique is that it is just what is says, "a day in the life."  Because the two pieces were written by two different people, they ended up being two completely different days in two completely different lives.  The first written by John is sad and melodic, the second by Paul is peppy and just a minute by minute explanation of his day, nothing very exciting, just life.  You are all probably wondering were I am going with us, but I do have a point. That song feels a lot like my life.  God took two very different people with two completely different ideas, styles and interests and had them fall in love and create a home with a family in it.  I am talking about Jason and I, not John Lennon and Paul McCartney.  Like John and Paul, Jason and I do have one thing in common.  For John and Paul it was music and their love for it.  For Jason and I, it is our faith and love for the Lord.  Out of that musical relationship came a beautiful song, out of Jason and my relationship came two beautiful children and hopefully a home that will bring glory to God.  This blog is mostly for me as a little bit of sanity in the midst of my crazy life, but I hope some of you may enjoy hearing about " a day in my life"!